Thank You!

I feel grateful to the Lord for giving me 27 years of life. It's strange that I feel so serene even though I have a lot of problems to face. All I can think about are the blessings that I've been receiving everyday! These gifts that I often ignore. The very breath I take every second is a precious gift from God. I feel so happy today! I don't know why but I feel as if I've been released from the prison cell that's been draining my hope for life.

It's surprising to know that there are friends who really care about you. Friends you don't often see but will never let you down even for a fraction of a second. Old friends who know you better than you know yourself, new friends who have high hopes for you and your potentials, those people who still believe in you even on those moments when you stopped believing in yourself.

I was soo busy whining about my miserable existence that I've taken them for granted.

THANK YOU, my dearest friends!

Thank you for loving me and taking care of me. All our memories, good and bad, will always be kept in my heart for all time. I will never forget you. You helped me become a better individual. Those friends of mine who stood by my side even on those times that I pushed them away, those who cried when they saw me crush into pieces, those who held my hand when I was terrified. I know I was never really alone.. I just chose to be alone as a penance to myself.

I feel ashamed of myself for being stubborn but I know better know. I will treasure my friends and I will never let them down. Maybe that's the reason why I feel happy today..Knowing that whatever it is that tomorrow may bring to me, I can face them bravely because I have my friends to support me.

Thank you for being a true friend. Know that I love you. I may be difficult to understand most of the times but you know that I will always come around.

.....

Tasted the sour life

Tired of these feelings

No one can help me

I have to end this now

Sorry...

This is as far as I can go

Quitting is never an option

But this is an exemption

Hold your candles tight

For thou shall see me once tonight

No goodbyes, I will be around

Thanks for everything

Borrowed

Have loved you so that I never realize

Thought for a million years you're mine

Lost myself completely in your gaze

Until she came to take you back from me

How could I let it slip out of my head?

It was over before it even started

Knew you love her yet I hoped

That the day will come, you will love me, too.

Now, it's crystal clear;

I never really had you

Go to her now, love - do not look back

Help me forget about you

Don't let me steal you away from her

Our mem'ries will forever haunt me

But I will be fine, I will get by

It hurts deeply to know you're gone

And that you just couldn't love me

Thank you, darling for everything

Tears shall flow endlessly in my eyes

Yet I know - this, too, shall pass

I can be happy without you

WHY?

I've done some thinking and the only question that got in my mind is WHY. Yep, why?

Why does a person hurt his/her friends?
Why does someone leave without a word?
Why are there insensitive, inconsiderate and self-centered people?
Why does one let go without a fight?
Why do we feel pain?
Why do people betray other people?
Why do some people prefer to suffer in silence?
Why do we cry?
Why can't we be angry with people who treated us with no respect?
Why do we have to be so understanding?
Why do you have vent out your anger on me?
Why did you do such a thing?
Why do you have to hurt me like that?

Been thinking about those since the other night and sadly, I couldn't answer them all by myself. I'm afraid some of these questions remain unanswered forever..

"525600 minutes"

The title is the first line of my favorite song Seasons of Love from the play/movie RENT. A year has passed in my life..I must say I've had a chaotic year. All the drama, lame night outs, bottomless alcohols, damn cigar addiction, pretensions, miseries, love and pain, nemeses found, friends lost, discoveries, secret identities, soul-searching, endless quest for happiness*, fights against my own demons, dreams turned into nightmares, promises that have been broken and forgotten, misunderstandings, arguments, silence, cold treatment, 3:00am chitchats, sleepless nights, dry chuckles, lies and more lies. I am not in my best condition for the past year. I guess, I just decided not to care anymore. I've have been curious how is it like to be carefree, to live life one day at a time, to welcome bohemia in me. I got so tired of having a dull, miserable life and of having a career that is going nowhere. I still don't know what came over me.. I have been to hell and back..all alone. All the battles I've had, I have bravely fought on my own. I'm not an ungrateful friend because I know there are those who wanted to help me. It's just that they wouldn't understand me and my situation at all. No one has experienced my life other than myself. I almost lost my sanity from all the predicaments I have. Its painful to keep all my fears, frustrations, love, hatred, joy and dreams in my heart. It was never easy to have my feelings bottled up inside of me but I have no choice. It is better to suffer in silence than to involve people with my mess. This year, I have never felt so alone, so lost and so miserable. But I know myself, I will never give in to defeat. I used to be a dreamer and I will continue to be one. As I sit here, I can only think of the lines from the song "SEASONS OF LOVE", the question :"How can you measure the life of a woman or man? In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried. In bridges he burned, or the way that she died."


A year has passed in my life..I know that the battle isn't over yet and that I have to keep on fighting til the very end and I will. My faith won't falter...
I will continue to be brave.
I will never surrender my fight against my demons..
I will never succumb to depression..
I will never give up on my dreams..
I will never lose hope in love and life..
I will not be angry to those who caused me pain.
I will be better.
I will continue to laugh even if it hurts.
I will still dance in the rain!
I will still write poems that inspire me.
I will still see goodness and have hope in people.
I will still laugh out loud.
I will still cry when its too painful.
I will still be the crazy, funny and loving mother to my Kurt!
I will never quit.

SEASONS OF LOVE
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.

525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.

In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?

How about love?

How about love?

How about love?

Measure in love.

Seasons of love.

525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan.

525,600 minutes - how can you measure the life of a woman or man?

In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.

In bridges he burned, or the way that she died.

It’s time now to sing out, tho the story never ends let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends.

Remember the love!

Remember the love!

Remember the love!

Measure in love.

Seasons of love!

Seasons of love.

*original composition date: September 23, 2009

When temporary amnesia attacks..

I still can't get over the fact that, for some unknown, crazy reasons, I HAD ACCIDENTALLY DELETED MY NEWLY COMPOSED POEMS WITHOUT EVEN REMEMBERING HOW I DID IT!When I checked for my compositions, it was just a blank word document! I was hysterical, how the heck did I manage to delete those files without even having the slightest memory of me actually hitting the delete button! I'm about to publish three new poems and 2 blog entries and now they're all gone. It made me sick to think that I am really having those memory lapses, goodness, I haven't even reached 30s..I'm really upset with myself because of that. I knew that those 3 poems really described my feelings that moment, I had that inspiration to write - I've finished those 3 poems in 10 minutes. Have you ever had that moment when you just keep on writing because all the ideas are literally bursting freely from your head and your heart; that you can't even remember your own words unless you read them over and over again? I was in that state. What's killing me is that I knew I wrote those poems but I can't even remember the message I wanted to convey. It's like having that old, life-size jigsaw puzzle; the one you've already finished and after years of displaying it on the wall, it suddenly fell, frame's broken and all the pieces scattered all over the floor. You knew that you've finished it once but as you tried to put them back together, you realized you don't know how and where to start and you just feel like screaming? That's what I've felt when I lost those poems! Darn, it sucks!I hope I can retrieve those poems in my mind or else I would have this regret for a long time and I mean a long time. I hate this feeling. I suck! I suck big time! Well for starters, I can still remember the titles. There is still hope, I can do this..I can remember what I've written and I can publish it soon..


For the poems:
BORROWED
MY BELOVED MISTAKE
EPIPHANY

For my blog entries:
ANAKIN SKYWALKER -
PLACES TO SEE - this one's easy


There, I've let it out. It's been eating me since last night. I really hate this feeling now. I want my poems back!!!

Cry Ophelia

In this untidy room, she profusely bled
Filled with grief, her soul can’t breathe
Faith has deserted her to deeply mourn
Her love has left her all alone.

Agony, she lamely masqueraded as joy
Sorrow, she hid deep within her soul
For no one should know her anguish
‘Coz no one could understand her crisis

Years of weeping, she stubbornly denied doing
Flicker of hope for love slowly waning
In pursuit of happiness, her spirit faltered
All what’s left is her shattered dreams

So cry Ophelia let it all out
Scream if you have to, wail hard
Let the world know you’re in pain
Let these torments go down with tears

For after these hurts, you will see
Love is never unkind to its believers
Keep your fire burning, never lose hope
Better days will come, just you wait

SCREAM

All this hypocrisy, I can no longer take!
This music of deceit, I can never dance into
Count me out for Pete’s sake
My integrity goes a little higher than this

My heart screams of all the anguish,
All the hurting that this world gave
My soul is deafened with my hearts cry
My very core could hardly survive this

I wish these lies would stop
Wonder why people can be so heartless
I hate pretensions, they disgust me
Hatred for this scheming art

My heart screams out in pain
My soul yearns for some truth it deserves
Stop this cheat, I am dying inside
For I can never concur to this fraud

Friend no more

With a heavy heart, I’d like to let you know
I don’t want to be your friend from now on
You’ve hurt me a lot, I can’t stand it anymore
We are so different, please understand

I thought I found a great friend in you
That’s why I’m always there
Whenever you need my help, my S.O.*
I went out of my way just to aid you

I hope you know that it hurts me
To be treated like a dirt
As though, I’m the good-for-nothing one
You make me feel that way

Now, I can no longer help you..
That is why you’re shutting me out
You’re even mad at me for no reason at all
Is this because you won’t need me anymore?

Don’t want to think that you just used me
It would break my heart deeply
Paranoia in my mind is blossoming
For I can’t find answers for my questions

Friends stick with each other thru thick and thin
I never saw that in you and it pains me
Realizing I’m the only one being true
I’m tired of this situation so I’m letting go

I’m letting go before this hurt turn into hatred
Before my respect turn into sarcasm
Before my perception of you change
I still want a good ending, friend

*S.O. – Special Operations, term used in asking for help or favor

Plastic-made Pinnochios

They are everywhere, mingling with real people.
Pretending desperately to belong
That is why they would do everything
Just to get your side, your interest

But beware of them, my friend
They are deceitful and cunning.
Acting as though they’re your best friend
Ass kissing you every minute.

Do not fall for their charismatic smiles
Nor their pitiful and sad stories
Because all of them are lies
Just to win your sympathy

They would just use you for their own sake
Friendly users, that’s what they really are
They would abuse your kindness.
They never really care about you

When they’ve gotten all they wanted,
They’d show their true character
Backstabbers and money-hungered beasts
Willing to sell you in exchange for a dime

You may have been a true friend to them,
But those mean nothing to these creatures
For they are just plastics, not real people
They wouldn’t know the value of friendship

Pagluha

Sa aking pagluha, nawa'y maibsan
Lumbay at pighating aking nararamdaman
Buhay kong masalimuot
Sana'y makayanan pang dalhin

Sa aking pagluha, nawa'y mawala
Galit para sa mundo at sa sarili ko
Pag-asa sana'y muling makita
Sa magulong buhay, sana'y makalaya

Sa aking pagtangis, nawa'y matutunan
Ang pagpapatawad sa mga taong mapaghusga
Pagmamahal sa kapwa sana'y manaig pa
Aking pang-unawa, lubos pang palawakin

Sa aking pagtangis, nawa'y kusang sumama
Hinagpis na kinikimkim ng puso kong alipin
Ng takot at pangamba, sana'y maglaho
Kabaliwang nag-ugat sa pagkatalo

Hinagpis

Kasing dilim ng gabi ang aking kapalaran
Mistulang lumot ang laman ng aking utak
Tanikala ng magulong buhay
Diyata't habang buhay ko nang mararanasan

Runaway with me

Into the land where no one knows us
In a place where there's a good start
All the worries left behind
The bad life can now be forgotten
The complications can fade into oblivion
Hold my hand tight, love
Together, let's start this journey
Where ever will be haven for me
'Coz I just want to be with you
Run away with me..

The Unusual Knight

He might tease you ‘til you cry
Say harsh words that would put you down
Make you feel that you’re not worth any love
Yet he will never leave when you’re in pain

He will comfort and guide you
While bombarding you with notoriety
Do things with cruelty
But he will still help you, definitely

No, he won’t carry your baggage
He won’t even hold the door for you
But he would put his life just for your safety
He won’t let harm come your way

He may be the most apathetic person
But inside, he’s just a lonely man
Tired of living what others expect of him
Free to be himself no matter what the world thinks

Yes, he may be ruthless to others
And most of the time, to me..
Yet he is my knight, he saved me..
From bottomless agony, unusual knight indeed!

A letter to Dave

Insensitivity is the name of the game I tried to play.
But in this game, I am losing every moment
I heard rumors about you yet I ignored them
I didn’t want to believe because my trust in you is rock-steady
How the world perceives you is way different from how I see you
They say you’re heartless, I say you’re compassionate
They say you’re mean, I say you’re the most sensitive person I know.
You let me in your soul, don’t you know I’m a good judge of character
You tried to hide yourself from everyone but I know you
At least from the things that you do to me
You are a good man, in a very bizarre way
You’re an iron-willed person
But I have to say you’re also weak.
Yes darling, you are weak
Inside those eagle eyes of yours is a vulnerable person
A heart that needs delicate loving and affection
A lost child, a wandering soul
I understand you deeply, Dave
That’s why I am letting you with your ways
I am letting you do things even if those cause me pain
Because I want you to be happy in everything that you do
I am snubbing this hurt I’m feeling whenever you take me for granted
You need a woman, not a clingy teeny bopper – I know
I want you to know that I love you
I hope I can help you with the burdens you are carrying now
I wish you well every day, Dave
I really hope that what you make me feel is true
And if it’s not, I hope you can find a way to let me know
I’m confused, you see.
I don’t know what’s in your heart and mind.
I don’t know where to put myself.
And it’s killing me, it’s killing my heart.
You’re always pulling back.
You will cherish me so much and then you’ll be the ice king the next minute
These mood swings you have with me..
They confuse me a lot.
So please let me know what’s real and what’s fantasy
Whatever it is, I am just here for you, ayt?
Til next time.
I love you…so much..
I hope you know that, I hope you treasure that..

My Hero

The dawn breaks into a gloomy morning
Melancholy wraps me inside her arms
And as the morning clouds turned into an infuriating rain
I was taken into captivity by sorrow

In this Alcatraz of pain, I tried to escape
'Til I got used to being here and stay
Nostalgia became my comrade
And happiness became my fear

Constant numbness made my heart cold
'Til I saw your angel eyes
You stared at me and I never felt so alive
I know you are my salvation

Patiently, you waited 'til I come around
You redeemed me from sorrow
And freed me from pain
I couldn't help but fall for you

The dawn breaks into a sunny morning now
You suddenly wrap me inside your arms
And as the sun shines brightly on us,
You take me into a happy ending I've always dreamed of

PARADISE IN MARS

The stars in the sky are beaming
In this desert plain that I am in
I have never felt so calm and serene
In this place, perfect as a imagined

Huge bedrocks lays
As the sands harmoniously play
A gentle music that enticed me to stay
I wish I could be here everyday

The orange horizon is breath-taking
Relaxes my mind, kept my faith from fading
Summer breeze in my ears are humming
Like a lullaby that could put me into sleeping

A piece of heaven in this vast universe
Where I could rest and peacefully traverse
In this red planet, I found a paradise
My safe haven where there is no demise

Sly Predator

Beware of him, he'll eat you alive
A monstrous creature without any mercy
He used to be a man 'til his conscience died
Became an animal hunting for preys

Beware of him, he is sly
Your innocent soul, he will consume
Your happiness, he'll drink 'til there's no more
Stay away and run for you life

Beware of him, he's adorable
You will be swept off when he talks
Not knowing he's luring you to his trap
Where there is no escape and no turning back

Beware of him, he may look human
However, he is not
Just a hungry predator
Ready to kill you with no remorse..

Fire and brimstone

I am condemned
I was left alone
There was nobody to help me
No one to understand
Even sanity tried to run away from me
Because of what you did
And now, you want me back
In this time, I've healed my heart?
After I've picked up every piece of my shattered self?
How dare you!
There is no turning back for me
I will never have you again
I barely escaped hell before
And you can never drag me there again..ever!

A damnation

My life with you..
A living hell, that's what it was
I don't want to remember
How you crushed my heart
How you disrespected me
I loved you truly then
I trusted you with my life
Yet you showed me inferno
You never really cared
My life with you is worse than hell
Please stop and let me live a quiet life
Because you well know..
That you owe me at least that
I don't want to hate you
So please keep your distance

What love did

Used to be a fighter
Now, Im just a sore loser
Used to be a risk-taker
Now, Im just a miser

What happened to me
Is still a mystery
All I can remember
Is that love has left me to suffer

Like a fugitive, I run and hide
Afraid of the light to catch me
Shadows became my sanctuary
Only the night can set me free

Used to love the sun
'til it burned my soul
Used to believe in love
'til it shattered my very core..

Outraged

I'm not articulate. I don't know how to say the deepest angst of my heart. I don't know how to say "I'm already hurting so please stop". Maybe because I'm afraid that I may hurt someone if I say a word. Damn it!

Why do I have to be like this? Why do I have to think of what others would feel?what they would think? Why do I have to consider them first before my emotions, my damn feelings?

I have been a good friend to everybody. I've never let anyone down. I've tried to help in any way I can. In fact, I have given more than what I have and now I'm empty...

I don't know what to feel, I don't know what to do..I have the right to feel angry too but why do I feel like its wrong.

I'm feeling so down right now...so alone... I want someone, just one, who will be there for me when I breakdown. Someone who'll just hug me when I'm crying, someone who won't even have the slightest doubt about me and my character..

I want to SCREAM! I am in pain yet no one knows it. Its getting the best of me. Its eating my morale.

Am i WORTHLESS?

Am I that bad that I can't have the kind of friend I am to everybody? My heart is broken once again. Shattered worse than ever...

And there's no one to blame but myself. I hate myself for being me. I hate it when I try to please everybody just for them to love me.

Why can't there be someone who'll love me for who I am, for my mishaps, my imperfections, for my cranks and weaknesses. someone who'll accept me and acknowledge that I'm not perfect.

I have been wishing for someone who won't be disappointed to see me break, someone who won't walk away from me during my lowest of low. Someone brave enough to break me and say "That's enough, dumdum..now you're being stupid again".

I'm so afraid to lose the ones I love that I can suffer in silence. But for how long can I be like this? How long can I keep on hurting myself just for them to stay?

I envy those people who have someone loving them. They are lucky they have those people loving unconditionally them no matter what happens to them. I don't have that luck..

Waiting in vain

There I was in a corner of a pitch dark room. I was waiting for you but you never came. I lost count of your broken promises. It hurts, I hope you know that. It hurts when you keep me hanging in mid-air. But you will never see me complain..You will never see me in pain. I will be hanging in there...'til you finally see me..'til you finally hold my hand and never let it go.. I won't lose hope, I won't give up...

A broken heart's cry

I may keep my silence
And let you with your ways
I may choose to let you hurt me
And shrug it off when you dont care

But that wont keep me from hurting
That won't stop me from weeping
Im not a saint nor an angel
Im just a woman in love with you

I can bear this cross you're giving
I can even smile and pretend Im laughing
'coz I can't afford to let you know
How much you're hurting me, my beau

I won't give up on you
Even if it takes a lifetime or two
You will care for me too, one day
You will realize Im worth loving and stay..

Insomnia

I can't sleep tonight
Wondering if you're alright.
'want you in my sight.

Martyrdom

I won't let you go
'Til you ask me to, my dear
That's how I love you..

Bewildered

I don't understand
Why you are insensitive
Its killing my heart..

Crestfallen

Worried about you..
During your hour of grief
I wish I was there

A wish

Still waiting for thee
To cherish me tenderly
Love me back, baby

Fickle-minded

Afraid to decide?
Can't give any commitment?
Are you that confused?

The Devil

They say I am cruel, always picking up a fight
They say I'm mean, being impatient to them
They say I'm brutal, not considering what they feel
They say I'm a devil- I REALLY DON'T CARE.

If being cruel is to uphold what is right, then I am
If being mean is to defend the inferior, then I am
If being brutal makes them realize they are misguided, then I am
If doing all that is being a devil, then YES, indeed I am.

And I will continue to be cruel, mean, brutal and a devil
To them who call me such, until they give up their animosity
And admit that they are mistaken and corrupt
Only then I will cease to be a DEVIL

** I composed this poem last September '03 and it was published on the loyalty day edition of our Theta Gazette. I have been lucky to find this article again because I have been searching for it for a long time..

Sun

Blazing heat of sun
Turns me into a cold soul
Caring for no one

Haikus of Love

The dying heart said,
To love so much can be death,
Yet I love him still...

----

Weary not, my love
Thou art won't be left alone
I shall be with thee..

----

Staring at the sea
While crying in misery
I miss him badly

Hunted

Trembling for the dark to fall
Demented to be left alone
Array of intimidation
Stabs your sanity to death..

Memories you have deeply buried
Hunts you down like a prey
Caused you to flee to the wild
And never dare to look back

But when running away can no longer set you free
When hiding becomes pointless
You will learn to fight back
'Coz there is no other alternative

Retaliation will be inevitable
For you would want freedom so bad
No longer want to be hunted
Desiring for liberty at long last..

Cold Heart

You will never understand
Why I'm fighting for you
Why I choose to suffer
Just to be with you

Can't you see that I love you
Can't you see I'll do anything for you
Of course you can't, you're insensitive
You are a man with a cold heart

I wish you can love me too
I wish my love could melt
The ice around your cold heart
So you can see that I love you

Wishful thinking, they may say
But I am not giving up
One day, you'll wake up
To be a changed man & love me endlessly

Tormented

I see you sleeping soundly
And all I can think of
Is why can't we be together?
Is it your choice?or destiny's?

I can't help but cry in silence
'Coz I'm hurting real bad
You don't even know that
Say it's pride but I don't want you to know

But how long can I keep up?
How long would I hold on
To you a dream that is falling into oblivion
To you, choosing me

Are we going nowhere?
Tell me now, please tell me sooner
I won't hate you, I'll understand
'Coz that is how I love you so..

When Gluttony strikes...

Its past 3am and still, I can't sleep. Nope, this isn't another case of insomnia attack, darn, its more of a paranoia. Ok, I admit, I am afraid to sleep because I've eaten so much tonight and I feel that if I try to sleep I might not wake up anymore. hahaha! Yeah, right! Hilarious..


I've eaten so much that I think I won't be starving until 2012. Damn! When I got off from work 5 hours ago (10pm), I was really hungry I could eat a horse! Well, I haven't had a meal for 8 hours straight so that explains it. I was walking my way to the bus stop when I came across the bancheto! I forgot that it was a Friday! I got so excited so I almost run to the stalls to see the food I'd like to eat. I was so hungry and what do you expect from a starving creature? Before I knew it, I already bought a lasagna, a carbonara, a big shawarma and a grilled pusit. Yep and wait, my hunger didn't stop there..When I passed by Mcdo, I bought a BigMac! And the rest is history..










I was eating for an hour and a half! I ate it all! mwahahahaha! And it felt great!
I love eating!
The only problem is..... when can I sleep?!

Damn gluttony! 'made me paranoid... hahahaha!

Aking sangGol

Hagupit ng mga suliranin
Ay kaya ko ng tiisin
Diyata't lahat ay kakayanin
Upang ikaw ay paligayahin


Sa wikang tagalog ko nanaisin
Na damdamin ko sayo's sabihin
Palagi kitang mamahalin
Kahit bukas nating dalawa'y madilim


Di mo kaylan man tungkulin
Na paghihirap ko'y pasanin
Nais ko lamang iyong damhin
Pag-ibig kong kinikimkim




** I was really inspired to do a poem in tagalog although its out of my league. the first time i read this, i was like..''oops, corny.." but then again, i am an artist struggling to practice the art of poetry and this is exactly how I feel that moment.

FALLEN ANGEL

Used to be the ray of light,
That the butterflies would like..
Used to be the morning dew,
That refreshes those who hikes..


In this grandiose sight..
In this so-called paradise..
Only the stars have seen
How she barely escaped her demise


Scarred with lies and pretensions
Bruised with cruelty, she almost died
And as the clouds hide the sun,
Venom of evilness consumed her


She used to be the warm sunshine
..now, she's the raging storm
Used to be a promising rainbow
..now shes as deadly as a lightning..


Vengeance is her heartbeat
Shadow of love's completely gone
Fury have lead her..
To be the evil she once abhorred.

10 THINGS I ADORE ABOUT YOU

1. Your eyes. You gaze at me with your angel eyes and immediately, I'm blown away. There's something about your fiery stare that draws me closer to you, that makes me want you more. I guess its because your eyes can see right through me. Only those beauties see the real me and I adore it!
2. Your Lips. Your sexy lips makes me want to kiss you...ALWAYS! Darn, I could spend all time just staring at those inviting lips and never get bored. I want you to know that I am swept off my feet every time we kiss..
3. Your Hands. Your hands and your grip makes me feel very secured. Thank you for holding my hands. I feel much stronger when you hold my hands and play with it whether if its under the table or not..hahaha! Do you remember that moment?
   
4. Your Smile. Your smile is a sunrise that promises a great day. Even my gloomiest day brightens up when I see your sweet smile. Thank you for always smiling, thank you for that gorgeous smile that makes my knees melt and cheeks blush.
5. Your Sense of Humor. You have a peculiar sense of humor that is, most of the time, misunderstood by the world as notoriety. But you never cease to amaze me with your unconventional jokes. You never fail to make me laugh even though I'm in the middle of my "wailing" moments. And for that, I am grateful to you.
6. Your Leadership. You're the only person that makes me want to obey all the time. You never have to say many things to make me follow you. I have high respect for you and I believe in you so much that I know your guidance will never lead me to chaos..ever. A persuasive leader, that's what you are. I don't usually follow men at once but with you, I will.
7. Your Compassion. Your willingness to help others in any way you can makes me admire you more. You're every body's knight in shining armor. Yep, you're always willing to fight a dragon and a chimera to save everyone in need - the damsel in distress, the lost child, the blind hermit and even the proud quack doctor.
8. Your Innocence. I adore your simplicity and your child-like attributes. You are full of dreams and hopes! Keep those fires burning, love. Sometimes, I envy you for being sweetest and most optimistic person I have known.
9. Your Naughtiness. Your playful attitude have always put a spice in my dull life. You may never know it but I adore you when you are full of energy playing children's games! Your energy is sooo contagious that you begin to make other people shell out the kid in them. You are the life of a party and I adore you for being that kind of person. Always be jolly.
10. Your Tears. Although it breaks my heart and rattles my soul to see you cry, I adore those times that you shed your tears. Not all men have the courage to cry but you..you are not ashamed to let others see your tears. If the world sees that as your weakness, I see that as one of your strengths. You're lucky to have that kind of braveness.

Message in a Bottle

I know for a fact that you will leave me one day. I tried to ignore it and just let my heart lead me to what it thinks is my happiness.Then it lead me to you..I don't hate you.In fact, I understand and respect you for finally making that decision. Darn, it hurts you know..but I will live.

I am in love with you even before everything started. That is the reason why I tried to be as cold as ice to you. I was fighting my feeling for you because I know that I will only be hurt in the end. I know you don't want to hurt me and I'm thankful for that. You are sweet beneath that tough image you have. You're caring and is down-to-earth. Sometimes, I would daydream and think of the what ifs..What if we've met before?Would it work? But we never met..we just knew each other in the time that we can never be together anymore. Too late, as the cliche says..

However, please know that I am happy even though it is short-lived. Whirlwind romance, is it? You made me feel loved and cared for. You took care of me, kept my head straight and my spirit high. Thank you for the hugs that you gave me. I want you to know that I melt every time you hold and gently squeeze my hand. Was it only my imagination? I wanted to ask you but you're already gone. Gone forever and I am left to wonder whether what we've shared is true and if you're really sincere..or was it just a game for you?

I know I've let you know that I am not playing games with you. All of what you've seen and felt were true..that is me, loving you. I don't want this to end. I've braced myself of the ugly consequences that I might/will face by being with you. I've actually decided to let myself be lost in this wonderful dream. My moments with you will always be alive in my heart. It will stay there forever.

I miss you so much! I miss your smile, your face, your presence but I know that you won't be back and I just have to deal with that fact. I want you to know that I love you so much. Don't worry, I know my place..I don't intend to get in the way of your plans.

What bothers me are the things that you said to me. Were you really falling for me? Or you just said that because you already know my feelings for you? Please don't shut me off. All I want to know is if what we had was real. Was it real? Were your kisses and hugs real? Were you really concerned about me?

I love looking at your face when you're fast asleep. You're so serene. I love it when you tell me what to do. I love it when you crush my morale with your honesty. My heart jumps every time you hold my hand and kiss it. All of those things you did, I will treasure.

I wrote this so my message will reach you where ever you are right now. I hope we can be friends again. I don't hate you, love. I will never have the courage to stay mad at you. Please be happy with your life, don't ruin your plans.

I felt ashamed of myself when you told me you're falling for me. You see, in my current state of being, there is nothing lovable about me. I am worse than a car-wreck, love. But you, you saw right through me. You saw how weak I am even though I tried to conceal it and pretend I was unbreakable.

That is why I said what I've said to you. I might have offended you by being very straightforward. I am sorry.if I've hurt you in any way. No matter how I love you, I know you deserve better. Look at me..Take a closer look..I am such a mess and you are completely my opposite for that matter. I could never forgive myself if you ended up being like me. I hope you understand that. I hope you understand me.

I don't want us to end. I want us to be together no matter what it takes. I want to be with you. I want to love you every second of my life. But I know that its not going to happen. This isn't a fairytale. What we have is just a wonderful dream. Dreams end when we wake up and waking up is inevitable. I don't want us to end but I have to do it. I have to let go of a losing battle..I have to end this dream I have with you because I'm so damn scared that if I don't do it now, I might not be able to let you go forever. We will just hurt each other and people around us.

You're right when you said someone will come in my life and I will love that someone. You're damn right I love him. You also said that he will be my savior, my hero but he will just make me cry, hurt me and eventually leave me.

Whether you knew that or not, I don't intend to know. Whether it was your warning or you setting my expectations for this relationship, I don't want to know.

I just want to cherish everything, every single memories we have. Those memories, the good and the bad, will always make me smile every time I remember you.

I miss you but I know it is better this way. Its better that I'm the only one hurting rather than to see you get hurt. Please just be there for me when I need a friend. Please take care of yourself and be strong. It breaks my heart to see you cry, love. I can never afford to make you cry.

I know you will be happy. Don't worry about me - I am a survivor, I will get by. Don't worry about my problems, I'm not your responsibility - I never was. I love you.

So-called Love - Realization

Life really sucks. It has its peculiar ways of bringing me to unexpected twists and turns that would, most of the time, make me think that I am the most stupid creature in this universe. Well, I'll have to say the universe because I am pretty sure that the particles in outer space that are YET to be discovered by scientists would not be at the same level of my stupidity.

I never thought I'd fall in love again. After my super traumatic relationship with my ex, I realized that falling in love is not my piece of cake. You see, I always fall head over heels. This lump of muscle here in my chest just doesn't even think at all. When it falls in love, it tends to fall hard; not thinking about the crushing part after falling. Tsk! In my 26 years of miserable existence, I fell in love 3 times. All of which, I ended up of shattering my damn heart. One thing is sure and that is I have a mindless, masochistic heart. Bullshit, right? And so i began to be skeptic about this love thing. I find it very disgusting to see "lovestruck" people..Nope, that's not bitterness..I don't feel disgusted because I envy those people, I just thought that it was just a matter of being comfortable with the person, no love involved.

But the tides have turned and here I am, helplessly drowning because its happening again. Darn, its a deja vu! Im seeing it all over again. I dont know if I can have the guts to use my brain now. It's happening too fast that all of my senses except my heart aren't able to cope up with this fuss. I dont know if Im making sense, I just want this all out because its killing me! Its literally killing my brain cells, one by one! Damn it!

I hate what I'm feeling right now. I was in love with him long before he knows. Ive realized that I have feelings for him long before he told me he was falling for me, not that I believe that he's really in love with me. *sigh* Yep, that's right. I've tried to fight this petty feeling and one way I know is to become distant to him and passive. I tried to distract myself to avoid this stupid love from growing. I've tried to bury this feeling under the sahara desert but the odds are against me. The more I suppress this the more it grows! Darn, it was like a cactus surviving the desert heat. I avoided him and even hated him, I hate what he's doing to me! I am so affected by his mere presence! I hated him for being straightforward, I hated him for knowing whats wrong with me in just a glance, i hated him for being a good friend, I hated his stubborness, I hated his eyes, he stares at me as if he's trying to heal my soul (if i have one..), I hated him for being so darn witty, hated him for making me realize that there are good guys out there, I hated how contagious his laughter's are, I hated his guts! Yep, i hated him so much I never realized that I was already falling for him..falling unconditionally in love with him.Shoot! I mean, great!just great! And before I can even admit it to my proud self, its done - I am in love with this man.

So-called Love - Genesis

What started out as a simple chit-chat develop in to something else on my part. I noticed that we are the same in many ways. For one, we're both renegades! We both have this unconventional way of seeing things. We are both misunderstood by most people and funny because we are both crazy! I don't know how it happened actually...well, maybe because I was astounded by his maturity or maybe because I found out that he's genuinely sweet and caring. Not many people see that he is that kind of person, some see him as the joker and the life of the party type, others saw him as the immature and playful boy. He is my ideal man, damn! I began seeing him in a whole different way. Im always amused with his animated gestures when he talks. I feel secured when Im with him, as though no one, not even my estranged husband, can hurt me. He makes me laugh when Im about to cry and makes me cry when Im about to laugh...Confusing? What I mean is he's unpredictable..He always surprises me in everything he does. He's a sweet person and is very endearing. He always makes me feel cared for. I can be as crazy and loony as I can get and never have to worry that he won't understand or approve of it. That's how secured I am with him. I guess that made me feel closer to him despite the fact that I know I'm getting myself a free trouble. Why I love him, I still don't know. I just woke up one morning and I was like, "Shit! This can't be happening!"

So-called Love - Complications

The catch though is that he can never be mine. Its complicated. He has planned out his life, well, as for me, I just go with the flow..where ever life may bring me. He told me he couldn't help but fall for me. Well, as I've said earlier, I don't exactly believe that though I want to. I remember keeping my silence when he said that.But to be honest, I wanted to tell him I am in love with him, I wanted to hold his face, give him my warmest hug and kiss him. I wanna believe, for a second, that he's telling the truth. But I didn't. I had my poker face on, sat still and just stared at him. I don't know why I did what I didt. Maybe because I've grown tired of believing in honesty or maybe its my intuition as a woman that he just said that to make me feel good about myself. I don't know. I don't intend to know.

That is just the start of the series of complications I am facing by falling for him. I am still married to a good-for-nothing bastard who abandoned me and my kid for his women and vices and he will NEVER let me be happy, thats another fact. He know he still has a right to me, ahm, to put it exactly he thinks that he owns me. He wouldn't let me be happy with another man. Boy, that sure is dangerous, I know. Another complication is that this man I love right now will be going away to a far-off place and he won't be returning. He'll be in that place for good. He dropped hints that he's still undecided whether he'll pursue his plans.What does that supposed to mean? Is he implying that we might have a chance to be together? Or this is just his deception? I doubt it if he will actually change his plans for what we are having right now. I am not just skeptic about what he said, I dont believe it at all. Most of the time I think that he just gave me false hope because he's such a darling that he can't break it to me. Maybe he knows it'll shatter my broken heart and he didn't want to further damage my lump of muscle. I know he doesn't want to hurt me and I cant tell him I am already hurting. Well, that sucks big time..we don't want to hurt each other but we are going to end up hurting each other because neither of us has the guts to say the truth.

You see, I have a very impossible situation here. My rationality ran away from me again. I let him into my topsy-turvy world. I let myself melt in his arms even though I know that the relationship I have with him is full of complications. Now Im a dead meat because it's a fact that at the end of this "fairytale", I will be the one crying a river.

Miss Carouser

She has drunk every drop of liquor,
Smokes cigars and party some more,
Dances all night 'til her body sore
Befriends strangers while vomiting on the floor.

Everyone in town knows this lady
Some said she acts as though she's a loony
Picking up a fight when drunk and dancing crazily
Mocking everyone in sight, she's very cranky

But I've known her to be the timid type
Labyrinth problems composes her so-called life
Exhausted and tired yet still willing to fight
For her son to have a better life

There are times that I can't comprehend
Why her lifestyle is of such trend
So I asked her once and she coldly said
"Darlin, with liquor, my heart's cry is heard"

"This is my way of coping up", she sighed
"From numbness and heartaches this life provides.."
"With this drink, happiness is in my side.."
"With a dance, my soul is revived.."

Her name is Miss Carouser
She is the extreme wild flower
Bold and brave when she is sober
Yet a weakling when alcohol hits her

LOST

Waking up from a slumber
Only to realize I'm in a nightmare
Where I am now, I do not remember
Just that someone left me here to suffer

In the middle of nowhere, I stand
Desperately seeking for a helping hand
But alas, it finally hit me
No one will come; no one knows where I am

I struggled to fight for my sanity
As many times, it has tried to escape me.
Looking back and forth, I tried to ponder
To which way should I wander?

I know I have to go
To where? I still don't know
But one thing is for sure though
I shall rise above this blow..

Of Love and Chaos

I used to love a man,
He is the father of my only son
We did have some fun,
Until chaos has begun.

I love thee, friend

Through bottles of beers, we’ve become friends

And I know we’ll be… ‘til the world ends

But u don’t know that I am saddened

Because I have fallen for you, my dear friend

It’s that charming smile on your face

That sets my heart on a blaze

Your angel eyes giving that fiery gaze

Has surely caused my soul a daze

You have always understood me

My silly thoughts, my radical personality

Outspoken enough to make me see

That I should be better than I ought to be

I pray that you would never deem

How your mere presence makes me beam

You might be that man in my dream

But still, it’s impolite to have this feeling

I would gladly hide this feeling and suffer

Than for my emotions to be discovered

For it is better to have you as my friend, dear

Than to risk losing you by saying “I am in love with you eversince”

Cycle of Feelings

In the midst of loneliness lies pain…
In the midst of pain lies bitterness..
In the midst of bitterness lies anger..
And in anger comes revenge..
In revenge lies satisfaction..
In satisfaction lies happiness..
In happiness lies love..
In love comes frustration..
And in frustration lies loneliness..
..This is the cycle of feelings, my cycle of feelings..

BETRAYAL

How can one betray a person?
Is it human nature?
I am baffled
I am hurt

I was naive to believe
In everything you say
I thought you were honest
I thought you were true

I can’t comprehend
I am angered
Why do you have to betray me
When I am just true to you

I keep nothing from you
When you’ve hidden the truth
You were a liar
A miserable pretender

Are you happy now?
I’ve fallen in your trap
I was a fool
You can laugh now

You succeeded in betraying me
Isn’t it enough
Please stop
I beg you spare me and my dignity

Mr. Bogus

They say you’re a hero, always ready to save the day
Some say you’re everybody’s bestfriend, always there to listen
And others say you’re a martyr, sacrifing things for love
But I say you’re not, Mr. Bogus

You are the menace who ruined the day
You wanted attention so much, you would say
“I will do things that would make them stay”
You always wanted veneration, glory and admiration

You’re never willing to listen to everybody
Because its about yourself you wanted to talk about
You’re an insensitive blabbermouth
Who don’t know when to stop talking and start listening

You pretend to be the martyr
But little did the world know, how evil you are
They don’t know that you are the burden
Of that person the world thought you love so much

I say “Well done, Mr. Bogus”
You made the world see what you wanted them to see
But you can never fool me and I will show them who you truly are
Even if it means I am the villain and you’re the victim.

Someday they will see, you’re neither a hero nor a martyr
Just a miserable pretender, who lusted for honor and praise
Alone you’ll be..
And I will be free..