Life really sucks. It has its peculiar ways of bringing me to unexpected twists and turns that would, most of the time, make me think that I am the most stupid creature in this universe. Well, I'll have to say the universe because I am pretty sure that the particles in outer space that are YET to be discovered by scientists would not be at the same level of my stupidity.
I never thought I'd fall in love again. After my super traumatic relationship with my ex, I realized that falling in love is not my piece of cake. You see, I always fall head over heels. This lump of muscle here in my chest just doesn't even think at all. When it falls in love, it tends to fall hard; not thinking about the crushing part after falling. Tsk! In my 26 years of miserable existence, I fell in love 3 times. All of which, I ended up of shattering my damn heart. One thing is sure and that is I have a mindless, masochistic heart. Bullshit, right? And so i began to be skeptic about this love thing. I find it very disgusting to see "lovestruck" people..Nope, that's not bitterness..I don't feel disgusted because I envy those people, I just thought that it was just a matter of being comfortable with the person, no love involved.
But the tides have turned and here I am, helplessly drowning because its happening again. Darn, its a deja vu! Im seeing it all over again. I dont know if I can have the guts to use my brain now. It's happening too fast that all of my senses except my heart aren't able to cope up with this fuss. I dont know if Im making sense, I just want this all out because its killing me! Its literally killing my brain cells, one by one! Damn it!
I hate what I'm feeling right now. I was in love with him long before he knows. Ive realized that I have feelings for him long before he told me he was falling for me, not that I believe that he's really in love with me. *sigh* Yep, that's right. I've tried to fight this petty feeling and one way I know is to become distant to him and passive. I tried to distract myself to avoid this stupid love from growing. I've tried to bury this feeling under the sahara desert but the odds are against me. The more I suppress this the more it grows! Darn, it was like a cactus surviving the desert heat. I avoided him and even hated him, I hate what he's doing to me! I am so affected by his mere presence! I hated him for being straightforward, I hated him for knowing whats wrong with me in just a glance, i hated him for being a good friend, I hated his stubborness, I hated his eyes, he stares at me as if he's trying to heal my soul (if i have one..), I hated him for being so darn witty, hated him for making me realize that there are good guys out there, I hated how contagious his laughter's are, I hated his guts! Yep, i hated him so much I never realized that I was already falling for him..falling unconditionally in love with him.Shoot! I mean, great!just great! And before I can even admit it to my proud self, its done - I am in love with this man.
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